Forgiveness

Yesterday was a beautiful day in Hilton Head, South Carolina. Blue skies, mild temperatures, a gentle breeze, and bright sunshine. I had the privilege to sit for two hours, in the sun, and read the Word. What a beautiful time of worship I had there, on the beach, just me and Jesus. 

When I returned to my room, I was drawn to a book I brought with me called, Returning to Holiness (A Personal and Churchwide Journey to Revival) by Dr. Gregory R. Frizzell. I brought it with me because the Lord had been prompting me to read it for the past four years. So, I picked it up and began to read the first section called, "Preparing for Your Journey". The first verse I read was Isaiah 59:1-2, "Behold the Lord's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; neither His ear heavy that it cannot hear: But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid His face from you, that He will not hear." The next scripture was Psalm 66:18, "If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me." 

In my last post I mentioned the struggles I have had in the darkness of panic and anxiety. I have felt so alone, as if God could not here me. I had not felt like that since I had given my life to Christ over 12 years ago. It had become unbearable. When I read this scripture, the Holy Spirit began to speak to me very clearly. God is serious about sin in the lives of His children. Our prayers, praise and service are worthless, if we are harboring anger, bitterness, envy, jealousy, etc.; in our heart. We must seek forgiveness and walk in love and forgiveness.

As I kept reading, the next scripture I came to was I John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." I was reminded of how loving Jesus is and that He went to Calvary so I could live a life of righteousness. However, as the book pointed out, in order to confess our sins, we must allow God to search our heart and show us our sin. OUCH! Psalm 139:23-24, "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Just then, I wanted to put the book down because I realized, the Holy Ghost was getting ready to cut, with the exactness of His Sword (the Word of God) right down to the deep poisonous places of my heart. The places where I had buried so much anger, that it had turned to bitterness. He was going to cut straight way to the place of jealousy and envy, caused by a strong hold of doubt and insecurity. In doing so, He would show me over the next six hours, how distant from Him I had become. He would reveal to me, the ugliness that I did not want to admit. Even that would not be the most painful part of the beginning of this journey. I began to realize, for the first time, the pain that my sin had caused others. God was calling me to not only allow Him to reveal the true condition of my heart, in order to confess to Him and be healed, but He wanted me to be reconciled to the ones I had harbored anger against (Matthew 5:23-24).

Now this long conversation with God, through His Word and prayer, had started at 3 p.m. and by around 8:30 p.m. God had laid a Sister in Christ on my heart and I had written down what he had shown me I needed to say to her. I contacted her through a social media message and asked her to call me. I can only imagine what must have crossed her mind, based on some of our previous encounters, as she decided to oblige my request. When she called, God gave me the ability and courage to read her the very honest things that He had given me to say. She was very gracious and received all that I had to tell her, with great mercy. She was very kind, compassionate and encouraging. What Satan had intended for evil, God will now use for good and His glory.

God has shown me that this road to restoration and healing will not end with this one phone call. There are others I have hurt and because everyone involved are Christians, the Lord wants me to seek reconciliation. It breaks the heart of Jesus when the Body is broken and in disunity. Forgiveness from God, to others and ourselves will lift up our Lord and draw others to Him. Everyone I reach out to may not be as receptive as the first, however, I must follow the Lord. If He is for me, then who can be against me.

As a Pastor's wife, I am willing to be transparent, in the hope that those watching and listening may be encouraged. Sometimes, we are made to believe that we must hide our struggles from others because it may damage the ministry. However, the dear sisters we serve, that look to us for discipleship, must know the realities of our faith walk with Jesus. They must know that we will encounter valleys, just as they do. However, it is enduring those times and giving God glory in the midst of it all, that will teach them how to endure, as well.

God bless.